Grow Your Family's Resilience
Our Experience
“Take deep breaths, mum,” the boy said. “If you don’t do it this time, it’ll be even harder next time you want to try.”
My friend Rosa (not her real name) was lying on her lounge, too filled with anxiety to follow through on her decision to play women’s social soccer. She loved playing when she was younger, but was worried to get back into it. There were so many fears – she didn’t know the other players, were they really good? Would she be terrible? How would her super-attached toddler cope with the separation? And she really didn’t want to get injured, she had four kids to care for. It was too much, it was too hard, it suddenly didn’t seem worth it.
Then Rosa’s son sat with her. He reminded her that avoiding the risks wasn’t going to solve her problems. If she couldn’t go this time, she was making it harder for herself next time. What a kid! And what a mum to have taught him so well! Whether for him, or for herself, Rosa showed up (a little late) to the game and joined in. She was such a great addition to the team and she had fun. She was okay, and her kids at home were okay too.
It showed us all that the way we teach our kids to try new things really does sink in and take root. Rosa’s son encouraged his mum because of the way he had been taught to try new things in his own life. And honestly, how often do we expect our kids to go into new, unfamiliar situations and then we sit back all comfortable on the sidelines?
My mum and I doing a beginner ski lesson together, while my kids were in their ski lessons. NERVOUS!
Another way this situation has shown up in my life recently has been seeing how brave my kids have been going into completely new adventures. From ski lessons in New Zealand, something they’ve never done before, to ‘big school’ orientation days – the kids have blown me away with their bravery, confidence and resilience.
There is an element of personality, for sure. My son has always been outgoing and my daughter is more shy and observant. But everyone feels nervous sometimes, and everyone has a comfort zone – it just looks different for each individual. I believe the little adventures and out-of-comfort-zone experiences build up their ‘bravery muscles’ to try new things. And so this is something we can all work on, no matter your kids’ current levels of bravery and openness to new experiences – you can start where they are now.
Here are 10 ideas to grow your family’s resilience:
Let the kids do the shop counter. Whether you’re ordering coffees, buying a lolly after swimming, paying for groceries, or buying a ticket, these are all opportunities for your kid to talk to a stranger, in a safe setting, who will ask them a predictable question where your kid can comfortably learn the social script. This gets kids used to answering questions from adults, speaking up for what they want or need, and feeling a sense of accomplishment (the purchase) when it’s finished.
With kids who don’t like new or unfamiliar routines, add some newness into something familiar. So for example, we might decide to ride our bikes somewhere instead of walking, or walking instead of driving, or taking a different route home from school in the car. What’s important is the language we use – e.g. “we’re going to do something a bit different today,” and “we’ve never done this before, how great is this!” – the whole time we’re mentioning that it’s new and fun and different, so they start to get used to those words and how it feels, associating it with an easy, positive experience.
Similarly, we often go ‘exploring’ around our town, and sometimes that means walking down a lane that we normally go past on the way to school, or driving down a different road just to have a look. It can be unexpected and a little bit thrilling. You can do it spontaneously, or you can ask your kids to keep an eye out for somewhere they’d like to go and let them be the leader.
When we have done some new things, we openly talk about being nervous. My daughter gets nervous when we try new things, so I admitted I was nervous to go camping somewhere new just like her. She was so surprised because I always focused on how ‘great it was going to be’. We talked about our thoughts and then reframed them and thought about what we were looking forward to as well. I’ve explained to my daughter that being nervous and being excited sometimes feels kind of the same – so if you feel nervous to find the things you’re excited about too. Focusing on what you’re looking forward to can help give you strength to overcome the nerves.
Similarly, do new things together so you be nervous together. Stay calm and model how to cope through nerves (make sure you’re prepared, our flight or fight stressors can send us into cranky-parent mode if we aren’t careful). You’ll be more empathetic to their feelings, and they may also even teach you a few things! You could try a new community sport together (e.g. kid participates and parent volunteers), go to a class/take lessons (e.g. cooking, art, music) or try some fun thrills (e.g. rollercoasters, rock climbing, going on a boat, etc).
Mini-adventures. I’ve talked about these heaps, and I really believe doing small ‘adventures’ has helped the kids (and me) to be more prepared for bigger adventures. Even using the terminology of ‘adventure day’ with my son, when we are just really doing a bit of playing or exploring somewhere local, means when we go on bigger adventures, his body and his mind can go, ‘oh I know what an adventure is, I know how to do this’, even though so much of it is new.
For me, setting expectations is really helpful. Like, we don’t need to have a perfect time, we just need to try. Giving it a go IS the achievement. If all else is terrible, it’s going to be a hilarious memory in twenty years time, so it’s still worth it.
We started with small weekend camping trips, close to home. We practised this a few times before attempting a more remote and longer trip.
Look for opportunities over the school holidays to try day trips within an hour or two of home.
And as I mentioned in the beginning, even trying a new sport or activity is a great chance for kids to learn something new, go somewhere new, wear different clothes, learn different cultural rules and expectations, meet new people, experience discomfort and failure, and more.
Look for the little ways in your own life where your can try new experiences and grow your comfort zones. It’ll make those big, dream family adventures so much more achievable when the time comes!
Your Turn
What have you done to help kids (or parents) overcome nerves and grow their confidence to try new things? Let me know in the comments below!